Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
