The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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