chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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