just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped