Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
