Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...