sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
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where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
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You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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