I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
