Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
