my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
