WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
