the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
