my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
