He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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