i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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