Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
