Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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