Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
