Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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