Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just made my gag reflex go away.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
