Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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