My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
