god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
