I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
