At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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