there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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