yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
