a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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