Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
