my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
