Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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