Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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