Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
