my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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