you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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