what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
