Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
