I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
