Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
