Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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