so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
