I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
