My first STD was from a foam party
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
