If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
