you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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