theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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