I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
