Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
