New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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