I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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