So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
