I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
