why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
