Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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