My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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