yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
