woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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