I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
